FPL Week In Review - Game Week 2-3

Like Napoleon’s return from Elba, FPL Match Week in Review returns in time for you to relive your glories and failures from the past two weeks, and god willing, after a long enough absence for you all to forget everything I wrote in week one about Erling Haaland. I have chosen not to address the rumours that I wasn’t able to get the review out in time for week 2 as I was in the Galapagos washing oil off of giant tortoises and nursing the sick, at this time I request privacy, thank you. Anyways, unlike ATO in the table, we move. As the love-it-or-hate-it International Break draws to a close and you return from national service to domestic life, let’s tuck into the weeks that were.

Game Week 2 

The second week of action in this fresh Barclays Premier League season saw some high-octane action with Chelsea, Manchester City and… Spurs? all potting at least four goals, with Chelsea knocking six past Jose Sa’s Wolves goal line - Chelsea. Are. Back (If you ignore xG.. and possession.. and shots… and….). Elsewhere, on the South Coast, a brave Manchester United squad nearly pulled off the unthinkable upset and if not for some situational headloss from Joshua Zirkzee might just have escaped with an unlikely point before normal service was resumed and Joao Pedro put the underdogs to the sword in the ninety-sixth minute.

There were some excellent personal performances, though, while a lot of the focus has been on an unnamed Norwegian trialist in the north who put up seventeen points, I’d like to highlight the real player of the week. I’m sure you’ve all guessed… Yes! It’s Noni Madueke. The Chelsea man, an integral part of a compact thirty-two-man midfield, notched an impressive twenty points, one for each of Chelsea’s goalkeepers. 

The Table

The menage-a-trois at the top of the table came unstuck with previous joint leaders Omar and Blair dropping out of the top ten, and Joey and Knox managed to hold on to a Champions League place. Week 2 saw a new leader rise to pole position, as the aptly named Swag FC and their manager Kevin Caswell shot up on the backs of a triple captaining of a nameless Scandinavian, the aforementioned timely goal from Pedro, a strong performance from Fiorentina reject Mo Salah, and some statistically pleasing goalkeeping from Arsenal’s David Raya. Despite this, Kevin still doesn’t have sole ownership of #1 as Hannah Cross has had a blinder triple-captaining Cole Palmer, proving you don’t need the blonde guy to prosper.

In the rest of the pack there were some stories of note, in particular this week saw a stunning rise for Barcab and Ulrich Pacis. GW 1 saw them languishing in 46th position having put up a paltry forty-eight points, well someone must have thrown a few water bottles in the dressing room because they came out on fire, smashing one hundred and eight points and leaping into 10th. Matt Reid and his nomenclatural-challenged lads made a similar jump from 40th to 9th.

Week 2 Awards

Kevin Smith takes home the Carlos Gonzalez Award for leaving the most points on the bench. If he wants a suggestion on what to do with his hands, perhaps navigate to the Squad tab.

Kevin Caswell receives the Valour FC Award for the least amount of transfers. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it they say.

The Jammy Bastard Award for the Manager who most outperformed their xP this match week goes to Ulrich, a fine week for the absolute legend. 

Last and certainly least, the Atletico Ottawa Award for the team that most underperformed this week is James Raymond, who accrued a paltry forty-four points.

Game Week 3 

Gameweek 3 gave us some notable storylines. Chelsea. Are. Not. Back, not that you’d see them through the crowd if they were anyway, but their 1-1 draw with Palace did see points for the highly fashionable and eminently selectable Cole Palmer and Eberechi Eze. Manchester United may never be back, dear god just imagine being a United and ATO fan in the year of our lord 2024, that poor soul would be the living embodiment of the “Why do you keep giving me your toughest battles” meme. Liverpool treated United much like an Orca treats one of those little seals hiding on an ice flow. They toyed with them, then time and again knocked them into the water and tossed them around before ripping their head off. Mo Salah was lights out once again, providing hope for the brave soldiers who don’t have City’s tallest striker, collecting seventeen alongside Luis Diaz’s fifteen points. 

Spurs spurs-ed, and hipster favourite Alex Isak grabbed 9 points for his grateful managers. Joao Pedro found the scoresheet again in a one-all draw between Brighton and Arsenal while S$#thampton lost like the despicable scum they are. Perhaps the most striking result was Everton’s generational collapse against Bournemouth, wasting a solid twelve-point outing from Dom Calvert-Lewin, this is a match that will be meme'd into immortality. Movable force meets movable object. If anyone spent all of 2023 watching Atletico Ottawa concede late goals match after match (after match), we can spare a little sympathy I’m sure, though it’s sometimes jarring to watch another team perfect your craft.

The Table

We have relative stability in the podium places this week. Swag FC manager Kevin Caswell holds firmly on to the top spot putting up seventy-eight points, good for a four-point gap over Knox Sinden’s LemonSqueEze. A new face has made their way into 3rd, so Scared of Grapefruit and fearless leader Matthew Nanni round out the top three. 

Lower down the table Matt Reid is doing his best impression of a pyramid. Having rocketed from 40th to 9th in Gameweek 2, his aesthetically pleasing fall has him back down in 35th after week 3, we’ll call that doing The Wanderers Slide ™.  Shoutout to Adil Panjwani for being the most consistent coach having put out a nearly horizontal line over these first three matches, he seems to be taking a serene, almost Buddhist approach to this race. 

Casting our eyes down even further, Jon Sinden and Joseph Lee managed to drag their sides kicking and screaming off the bottom with an admirable vigour. Though today we honour the pillars of the CCSG Fantasy community, heroes holding up the rest of the league so they may prosper, unheralded heroes doing what's right, this week's bottom three are Nicolas Courtemanche and Baldock Saints whose twenty-seven points spare me the ignominious honour of worst Gameweek, Alexander Beattie’s Haalandaise Sauce and Name Redacted who sit joint bottom on one hundred and twenty-six points. Like those divers who went into Chernobyl, these men deserve your praise and honour for enabling the comfortable life you live at their own expense.

The Awards

The coveted Carlos Gonzalez Award this week goes to last week’s joint leader Hannah Cross. RIP.

The Costa Smyrniotis Award for worst transfers goes to Coman Iliuit.

The Jammy Bastard Award for the Manager who most outperformed their xP this match week goes to FF and EZ FC.

As mentioned above, James Raymond grabs this week's Atletico Ottawa Award, an award I beg to all that is good will be renamed as soon as possible.

A new award this week, the Fernando Lopez Award, is going to Jon Sinden, who had the best transfer business of the week.

I’ve decided to award a mass trophy this week to all those who have stayed strong in the face of the fifteen million pound man’s oppression. You have stayed the course, you have fought the good fight and this faith in democracy, light and reason will be repaid after these unfortunate trials are over. To those who succumbed, may justice take you swiftly.

Until next week,

Zambia Ku Chalo