FPL Week In Review - Game Week 1
I would like to take a smidge of a second to humbly beg forgiveness for this article being too late to bask in your week one successes (or marinate in your failures), but finally, like America in any World War, I have arrived just before the end (of Game Week 1) to grab the glory and make myself feel unjustifiably self-important! For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Cam and I love my wife, my children, and Portsmouth FC, in no particular order. For those of you who do know me… I can only apologize.
This is my first attempt at any sort of weekly column and may I say it is fitting that I be your FPL correspondent, as the old saying goes: ‘Those who can’t do… write a weekly round up of Fantasy Premier League for Canada’s best Supporters Group’. The professionals also say ‘write what you know’ but unlike someone wearing blue and green at York Lions Stadium, I refuse to be silenced! I am, regretfully, one of those folks who set a team and rigorously tinker with it for six weeks like prime Ranieri before regressing into second half ATO. So in order to prevent someone making fun of me on a weekly basis, I’ve grabbed the pen and heroically decided to do it myself.
With all of that out of the way, this is it. You’ve had a few months to relax, enjoy the sunshine and dare I say it, touch some grass. You’ve blissfully spent weeks now grousing about unimportant topics such as family and politics. You’ve been allowed to spend days on end without your mood being destroyed by VAR, Profit and Sustainability rules, or bald Dutch frauds. You may also have spent time with loved ones committing hate crimes because of the Euros but all of that is over. The Prem… is back!
The task ahead of you was great, you had £100 million pounds to fight your way to the top of the table, a herculean task one might say, particularly when you recall that 100 million pounds won’t even buy you two U21 players at Chelsea (they must be absolutely incredible). In the end, whether you broke out that carefully curated spreadsheet, asked ChatGPT for help, or picked your players on vibes, you managed to settle on 11 men to do battle for you - for one week at least.
You also made some other difficult choices: do you load up the midfield? 3 at the back? What name should you pick? Can you afford to spend 15 million on Haaland? FIFTEEN! On the name front I’d like to present my capsule review of FPL team names of the 2024/25 CCSG FPL Fundraiser:
Best - Snacc FC. If you’ve ever seen Eddie tarps off you’ll require no further elaboration.
Worst - WeLuvYork9FC. Don’t tell fibs.
Most Ironic - Lover Boy FC. See above.
Best Ode to ATO - Oh No, Not Again. Somebody had a look at the form table.
Most Inspirational - Dino Nuggs FC. If you need to ask…
Best Determinative Nomenclature - Ensemble FC. A lot of bit parts, not so hot on Stars.
Honourable Mentions - Haalandaise Sauce and Grealish & Mustard
On the Haaland conundrum, our generation’s answer to the Schleswig-Holstein question, a lot of cowards people decided to take a page from noted rapper Drake’s book and thought: ‘ Yeah I’m comfortable with 15’. Indeed, almost 30 of our 53 competitors have Haaland on their teams, but, interestingly, there is only one person in the top 10 with the Norwegian in their side and none in the top five. Hmm. Will the investment prove a long term pay off? Will sinking that money into one freakishly tall man be a hindrance? We’ll have to wait and see. As a fan of Fantasy EFL though, I look forward to having him in my Championship team next year after the trial.
Enough chit chat, let’s get to the results shall we. We currently have a three-way tie atop the table with Blair, Omar and Knox all on 91 juicy points courtesy of some fine performances from Mo Salah, the scouse contingent, as well as, to the joy of Englishman everywhere, Bukayo Saka.
In the interest of fairness it must be mentioned that Omar is receiving a 3 point deduction from the CCSG FPL Rules Committee that I chair, and of which I am the only member, for fielding a S@#thampton player in his starting XI. As a result he officially drops to fourth, elevating Joey’s flock of seagulls onto the podium. I will take no further questions on this matter. Thank you so much.
In the middle of the pack this week, there is a common denominator, every single manager of a team ranked 20th-29th started at least one Spurs player, shoutout to Harry Hussain for having three of them on the pitch, it’s like a jumbotron proposal to Mediocrity. Speaking of mid, let us all give our condolences to Alexander Brazier Rymek, who managed to leave 17 points on the bench, earning him this week’s Carlos Gonzalez Award. Congratulations Alex!
Now like an Olympic beach volleyball cameraman, it’s time to focus on the bottom. I’m going to get this out of the way in week one so I'm not thinking about it all year: after having a look at your team Joey, you may know coaching but Hu-don’t-neault ball, your highest scoring pair of the week were your goalkeepers, my brother in Christ please ask Johnny for help, you can even do it in the form of a mailbag question. In spite of this, Joey is not the winner of this week's coveted wooden spoon though, that honour, and the Stephen Hart award for futility, goes to Shayne and his Bells Corners FC who put up a paltry 30 points. Much like Bells Corners itself, Shayne is keeping his team as far from the action as possible.
That’s all for Game Week 1, best of luck in week 2.
p.s. If any of you add Joao Felix I will personally slap you in the face. In addition, if you have constructive feedback please DM me, if you have hate mail please send it to A. Casemiro, Gatineau QC, Canada.
Twalamonana
